i feel distracted and i don't know why. the entire year has been good, i don't know where this is coming from. i'm scared of saying my suspicions out of thin air in fear that it becomes true, but a little less than a year ago, i was sent at the ER for thyroid-like symptoms, but when the test results came back, they found nothing wrong with me. it took me two months, my entire academic break to bounce back to normalcy, but there's a reason they test you for thyroid issues before they diagnose you with anxiety. there's a reason i started having panic attacks after that "mystery illness", but that diagnosis, i never got.
i've also tried writing and rewriting this down multiple times, but i ended up feeling stupid and scratching the whole thing off. i want to reiterate that i am happy alone, i like being alone, but i must have been hanging around too many couples that it's starting to poison my happiness. i keep being surrounded by guys with the daintiest, most gorgeous girlfriends, and suddenly i'm 12 again, always inadequate.
in 7th grade, we were tasked to make a rattan lamp for home economics. we were given wood glue, some strips of rattan to weave into the lampshade, and of course the electronics and lightbulb. i was so clumsy, the wood glue got everywhere and i constantly made mistakes with the weaving pattern, but the girls around me were all huddled in groups with neat weaving, laughing and chatting amongst themselves. neat. tidy. womanly. i was a child compared to them, but we were all the same age.
they're always a certain kind of girl too, the ones that look sweet, clean, approachable, or even typical. i look at myself in the mirror and see none of that. my lipstick is loud, my eyes are smeared with black, my clothes are cut up and dark, nothing about me is sweet or clean or god forbid dainty. i guess the fact is simply that i'm not feminine enough, but i like how i look, i'm incredibly happy with how i am, and in fact, i've been getting more feminine lately, but i'll never be the kind if girl that catch anyone's attention. perhaps the feeling is jealousy. it makes me feel disgusting, because somedays i'd look at a girl and think, "what could possibly be so interesting about her?", but really the question is "what could she possibly have that i don't?" i'm always struck with a heavy sense of guilt after every thought like this.
i really have to write an essay about this someday, but i remember someone online saying that no amount of self love will ever replace romantic love, and those words rattled my bones. you can look in the mirror and like what you see any day, but you can only live off of that alone for so long until you start doubting it. how would you know reality from fiction if no else could see it but you?
i wish i was a pretty girl. i wish i was a clean girl. i wish i learned how to make myself small and attractive. i wish i felt adequate.