i feel like i have a huge role in my anxiety flaring up because i have such a death grip on myself. achievement and control feels like a compulsion, like i physically can't stand being overlooked and mediocre. in high school i knew i can do more, so i did. i did so much more until i had nothing left to give, and here we are now, tired. i need to let this compulsion go before it eats me alive, before my nerves are all fried and i'm left with nothing. i feel like i'm watching everything i've built crumble before me, but i have to for myself, i'm just scared that i'll regret it. i'm scared that when i inevitably disappoint myself at the finish line, i'd think to myself "i could have done better" but lately i don't feel like i'll even see the finish line if i keep going like this. it's not a phase, it's not a slump. i really have to do this.